April 2, 2007


Lately napapaisip ako. How I went through my college years in terms of social relationship. I think this was due to the "nearing" end in this period of my academic life, looking back at the number of strangers I've met at school and the number of acquaintances I've made from them. I admit I've done poorly.
I've always kept to my circle of friends, never letting myself meet new people, at least on my initiative. Kasi I always thought na why should there be a need when I've already got them. Arrogant it may seem but just think, yes, the more the merrier, but the more people you welcome into your life the greater the risk of getting hurt. And perhaps dala na rin ito ng mga insecurities ko sa buhay. What have I got to offer to make them, at least, interested in me.
These realizations hit me hard. Feeling ko nga I'm experiencing mid-life crisis. Parang it's too late to change or probably just because I associate it with the "nearing" end nga. I find myself walking through the school hall looking at the people I've been classmates with, some were even groupmates in projects, but i cannot identify their names and i'm sure more than a half of them think of me as suplada. Mababaw man para sa iba, and some may think I'm just not secure with the current friends i have but this is becoming a dilemma for me.
Kaya it was very TIMELY when i met a group of people in flyff. Kung strangers lang naman ang pag-uusapan, characters you meet in-game personifies them the best. Kasi in a virtual world, an individual can assume a very different personality from his/her real one EASILY. Timely din kasi if i would like to test myself in uncommon grounds i would like to not do it in flesh. My self-confidence won't hold up to it and at least in a world bound to the size of the monitor being used i can be myself more. Anyway they asked me to come join them in their guild. I had one and I super enjoyed my time with them. But I made the difficult decision to leave them and i know somehow, past the "surface level" ng pagsasamahan namin, i did hurt them. And i'm beating myself for handling my leaving wrongly. Kasi i thought din na i'm only taking out only one character, and i have three in them. I am trying hard to balance my time with my established friends in game with new acquiantances in my new guild, but something is making it as much difficult. Iniinda ko na nga ang lag caused by opening up 2 clients at the same time, but i feel as if something is really off. Now i'm cutting less my time visiting my char with them to not upset their playing time. I even make myself invisible in their friend's list so they won't feel any effect with my leaving, that when i'm offline they might just think i'm not playing. A personal dilemma i am still trying to solve became an issue (feeling ko lang). Sabi nga ni GM inevitable ang feeling of guilt, ako kasi ang nang-iwan.
I made this entry to unburden the unsettling feelings i've been experiencing since leaving them. I am also a reader and putting it into words and seeing it with my eyes and not with my mind might help me find the answer sa lahat ng labo labong problema na nasabi ko rito. To them, i am not making up excuses, ako pa e martyr ako, mas gusto kong ako ang nasasaktan. I am sharing with you the reason behind so that i might easen up, not my guilt, but the ill feelings i've caused when i left. And simply because you all matter to me. And please remember, friends tayo IRL (in real life).
Now i'm with another guild and i can say i am also in the process of self-discovery, at least in the social aspect of my life. I cannot forever contain myself in the comfort of those whom i consider friends. Ang buhay parang sa isang jungle. May leon, may tigre, ahas, frog at siyempre hindi mawawala ang unggoy. Hindi nga ba eat or be eaten ang drama. If I keep to my group of monkeys and not go out into the world i deprive myself of the different flavors this world has and in turn not equip myself with the skills of self-preservation. May nabalitaan ka na ba na kwento ng isang lamok na umaaligid sa palaka at hindi ito nakain? Wala, kasi no matter how risky para sa kanya these things has to happen. We are all pulled towards each other, in different intensities and at different times, at hindi sabay sabay ang pacing. For me, the realization has been slow. But now i know and the good thing is i'm doing something about it but still wishing na wala sana ako nabangga (kung meron man).